Friday, January 20, 2012

Beleaguered - a rambling

I'm feeling bombarded with the fragility of people . We're just doing the best we can, right? At least I hope so.

Depression and exhaustion, anxiety and waves of crap just stirred up and dumped into laps to deal with the best we can. Friends, acquaintances and people I've never even met but have followed their blogs for years and feel like I'm connected in wispy strands of blue ether, all struggling to hold it together, to hold their marriages together, to balance the myriad of responsibilities that are thrown at them.

And I want a guarantee. I want the assurance that it won't happen to me. If I make good decisions, if I'm responsible, and if I give thanks for what I have right now, I'll be able to keep it all.

But I know.

I know.

There are no guarantees. Not in this life. I can't stack the deck. I don't deserve it just because I want to. Life happens, people make mistakes, get sick, struggle with everything they have and still can't make things right.

So I have to figure out how to navigate without that coveted assurance. To trust and love, laugh and cry with all of me. All while knowing that I could be ripped in two, but choosing to live anyway. I'm working to use my fear, my sadness, and my bewilderment as a mirror that reflects how good my life truly is right at this moment and to be thankful for it with every cell in my being. And I resent that my joy is tainted by pain and I'm thankful that pain reminds me again how blessed I truly am. And my joy is even more precious because I know what the opposite is.

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